London

The top 10 ways to dodge the Heathrow Injection

Rob Savage

You've all seen it happen to your mates when they move to London. They rock up in the UK and before you know it there are photos galore of imposters on Facebook. People who look like your friends but sporting monster beer guts, chunky chins and back fat rolling over their belts — muffin-top style. What happened to the tanned, toned and healthy people you knew? In a word — London.

In more than a word — sky-high stress levels, unaffordable gym fees, vegies that cost the earth and a drinking culture that's spawned more chapters of Alcoholics Anonymous than any other city on the planet. But fear not. There are ways to dodge the jab and shift the consequences if you're already afflicted.

Skip the fat food

In London's supermarkets fresh fish, veg and wholegrain carbs are heaps more expensive than fattened-up battery chickens, takeaways and budget bags of pasta. Unbeknown to many however, there are markets all over London selling the ingredients you need for a healthy diet, at bargain prices. At Chapel Market near Angel tube-station you can grab a punnet of tomatoes for £1 ($1.70), four avocados for a quid and a kilogram of mixed nuts for less than 50p. The vendors also respect the art of barter, so give as good as you get.

Join the army

Well, not the actual army but the British Military Fitness classes in London's parks. Exercising outdoors with these former soldiers staves off that infamous pasty British complexion and it's cheaper than a gym. The military work-outs clock in at £35 ($61) a month compared to £95 ($166) for a decent gym. Also there are tonnes of classes to suit all schedules — whether you're an office-bound accountant or a shift working barman.

Freeload the gym

A lot of the gyms in London are so desperate for new recruits that they hand out more free-trial days and recommend-a-friend passes than you can shake a McDonald's at. In theory — with your mates involved — there are enough gyms in the city to scam a free work-out every other day for six months. You'll need to be cheeky when you march into reception and deliver the: "I live around the corner and I was hoping to try the gym before I join" line, but it's worth being brazen to dodge the extortionate gym fees. Fitness First even offer a free five-day trial.

Sexercise

It's official. Britain's NHS has endorsed regular romps as one of the best ways to lose weight and boost the immune system. In fact, according to NHS Direct, "Orgasms even help prevent frown lines." On average sex burns 1300 kilojoules an hour and the endorphins released stimulate the immune system. So the longer you "do the deed" and the more adventurous you are — gymnastically — the fitter you get. Who knew doing it doggy could burn off a Big Mac?

Kilojoule-controlled boozing

There's no changing the fact that alcohol's fattening, but you can stay slim by adjusting your order. Fellas, say goodbye to your pints, and ladies, bid your wine adieu because unless you refuse every drink invite in the daily life of a Londoner, you need to switch to a social lubricant that doesn't pack in the kilojoules. A vodka and soda water might sound rough but it's better than your average 900 kilojoule pint or 500 kilojoule glass of wine.

Walk the (district) line

Johnny Cash puns aside, walking in London is a joint-friendly work-out and a great way to explore the city. Getting off the tube a stop early and walking is common practice with the Brits, and if the urban legend is true, and every trip on the Northern Line is the equivalent of smoking a cigarette, your lungs will thank you in the long run.

On yer bike

Cycling in London might sound like a recipe for a red-bus-related disaster, but it's a lot safer than it used to be thanks to eccentric mayor, Boris Johnson. He introduced the Barclays Cycle Superhighways — a network of cycle lanes which, surprisingly, are the same corporate colour as the bank funding the project. The highways connect the city centre to the surrounding boroughs and can get you from Clapham to Bank in just 20 minutes. No bike — no problem. Hire one from the docking stations across London or get your boss involved with the bike buying, cycle to work scheme.

Dance it off

If you're serious about London's nightlife, you might as well get fit while you're at it. Clubs like Pacha and Fabric aren't about standing on the sidelines. They're about getting involved, so break out the dance moves and burn off last night's kebab as your burn up the dance floor. Alternatively try a class at Danceworks on Balderton Street. They teach a combo of rhythm and fat-fighting, and on Tuesdays they do it on trampolines. Classes are £4.50 ($8) a pop.

Gumtree.com giveaways

You can pick up all sorts of things for free on Gumtree.com and a lot of the giveaways on here are from Aussies cleaning house before moving on — so check the Freebies category for gym equipment. There are bargain buys on here too but look out for crooks trying to flog stolen goods. If you find a suspicious deal, ask for proof of purchase. If the ad disappears and returns in a slightly different incarnation moments later, you know it's dodgy.

Cheap treats

Ultimately looking after yourself isn't all about exercise and a water-weight reducing massage can be just as good for you as an hour of cardio. In London these treats don't come cheap — unless you know about the London College of Beauty. The college on Great Marlborough Street offers 60-minute full-body massages for £20 ($35) and 45-minute faradic body treatments for £15 ($26). The faradic deal apparently tones muscle and does as much in 20-minutes as 300 sit-ups!

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Topics:

London food and wine United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland England

User comments

What a load of crap this article is I have spent roughly the same time in both countries and believe me the food in the UK is tastier and more varied with some of the best chefs and eatery's in the world, being part of the EU has undoubtedly improved the standard of food overall and don't forget we are the fattest nation on the planet,try and get your facts right and stop stirring the pot.

look after reading this i must say who put this peace togeather .is on something .like drugs .i have from london but now live in aussie land .austraila nation food is deep fried maccas ffc and a kebab. i have a shop in a food court fresh food funny that and all day ,it the junk food shop aussie go to .so long befor you talk billy about thre brits .mate dream on and look at your self ,,

Actually, a group of indy gyms got together and now advertise under the badge, www.gymlondon.org. Membership starts at £19.95!!! I think all-inclusive was around £39 per month. I went to a participating gym down on Fulham Palace rd and it was great. Pretty sure you can go to any participating gym in London though.

Why all the reference to London? This is only a very small part of the UK and the perception by many Australians that the UK is London is annoying. Why not write about getting out of the city (its easy, public transport is great) go rambling, ride a horse on the Yorkshire Dales, do a hike up Mt Snowden or in the Lake District, get some fresh air that will help loose weight. You don't have to go far to be in the country. Don't know where you bought your groceries (Harrods?), but I lived in the UK for 3 years, both in London and in the country, fruit and veg is not that expensive (a bit more than ours, but not by much) and not justifiable to buy c**p food. Please give the full picture, rather than just a small uninformed view.

So we are not the most second obese nation on the planet, and you are playing out the UK, get a life you fat ***.

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